Ruckus and Kinkiness
by because-chocolate-matters
Summary: A short and funny snippet of weird events unfolding.Watch and see how a simple task such as wizard chess can snow ball into an explosion of madness.


Well this is another addition to my humor pile. It is an old one I recently found, so I thought I would pop it on. This was written when my writing was still in its crap stages so don't expect anything grammatically great. Just some light humored fun.

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Harry potter story. By bin and Katie

Once upon a time Harry Potter was playing chess with his best friend Ron Weasley, but of course this was no ordinary chess, it was wizard chess.

Now today Ron was feeling very angry at Harry because he thought Harry had his eyes on Hermione. So when Harry wasn't looking, he cast a spell…

"Attack" little voices cried out from the chess board, jumping up and attacking Harry.

"Ahh!" screamed Harry. "My almond shaped eyes, which are brilliant green and are commented to look like my mothers, are burning!"

At that moment Snape, who Harry and Ron disliked with a vengeance, walked into the room. "What the hell are you two playing at?" Snape interrogated with his dark mysterious eyes scanning the surrounding area.

"Well at this very moment, if you used your eyes, you would see that we are playing chess" retorted Ron, while Harry was screaming and rolling around on the floor at their feet.

"Well if I had my way form the beginning, I would have had you two chucked out just for being annoying little pompous tarts." Snape said, obviously pissed, he had clearly been sniffing too many potion fumes lately.

"Shut up! I've got my own problems to worry about at the moment, oh and please do the world a favor, get laid and wash your freaking hair!" said Ron as he too was freaking out over no reason at all.

"It's called natural juices", sniffed Snape, "and you shouldn't pay people out about their hair Weasley, J.K teased you and your family in the book loads of times."

Ron burst out crying. Meanwhile Harry was still on the floor whimpering in pain as blood poured out of his ears (even though the chess people were attacking his eyes), As little chess people were still stabbing him with enthusiasm.

Hermione entered the room. She looked around and saw that Harry, from what she could tell, had red ink on the side of his head and was rolling around like a child who has had _way _too much sugar. She looked over to where Ron and Snape are and saw that they were having an argument over Hair issues.

Ginny followed Hermione into the room, she also saw the commotion going on in the room. "Hey look Hermione, it seems my brother has finally turned gay, looks he is discussing hair with Snape. I always thought there was something going on there." She said while Hermione's face turned a purple colour.

"What! He can't be gay; I was just about to ask him out. God damn you Weasley's and your stupid sexual preferences." Hermione said. That was enough to set Ginny off and she was on top of Hermione in a second pinning her to the ground while bashing her head into the carpet.

"Don't you ever pay out us Weasley's! We already get enough crap from the books."

"Hey, I'm not gay!" Ron yelled over just realizing what Hermione said.

"Yeah!" agreed Snape, "It just so happens that hair care is a very important role in men's lives!"

"True that!" Harry ceased his cries to say that, before resuming his screaming.

Ginny continued to bash Hermione, before Hermione was finally able to brush her off. Ginny turned her anger somewhere else.

"Snape! Your hair _is_ disgusting; do you rub your head against Flobberworms or something?"

Hermione, who had just seen a large gob of oil fall out of his hair, joined in, "yeah, that's so…" Hermione suddenly broke off and then there was a 'Pfft'.

Hermione stopped talking as everyone stared at her, silent, even the little chess people. Ginny held her nose and took a few steps back.

"Well, that shut me up."

Just then, like a gift for Hermione from god, Neville walked in onto the scene and broke the awkward silence "Oh god, what the hell died in here?" sorry, make that a terrible gift from god.

"I'm sorry, ok. I have had an upset stomach. It's not my fault that it keeps happening." Said Hermione near her usual tears.

"That's gross!" exclaimed Neville, while he was curing his itchiness to his bum.

"Well shut up Neville, like you can talk, by the looks of it your granny hasn't been worming you enough lately." Retorted Hermione, as she stepped a step closer to Neville.

"Hey! Don't you insult my granny?" Neville said, and then added quietly so only he could hear, "and lay off my worms."

Then, at the drop of a hat, literally a hat fell from the roof, the room erupted into complete chaos. Neville and Hermione were throwing verbal insults at each other. Ron and Harry remembered what started their little tiff before and were now literally throwing objects (mainly chess pieces) around the room. Snape on the other hand, was desperately rubbing his head against the wall to try and get some of the grease off of his hair as he cried oily tears that made the wall go slightly transparent. As for Ginny, she was egging every one on.

The door burst open and in walked Luna with a bunch of who knows what in her arms, she immediately drops the odd objects at the sight of such mayhem.

"Looks like my kind of mayhem", Luna observed.

She jumps up and starts poking Ginny in the back of the head.

"Hiiiii, what are you doing?" she said in her usual unique voice.

"ARE YOU BLOODY DRUNK OR SOMETHING?" Ginny PMS'ed back.

"…maybe" Luna said, before bursting out into tears (unusual for her). And it was then, that the discovery of Luna's insanity was discovered (even though there had already been speculation into that theory).

She then jumped over, all happy again, and began to help Snape with getting the grease from his hair.

"Omg, wtf, bbq?!?!" Ginny muttered, but then immediately regretted it, because there was one really strict teacher who would have heard this, despite the fact that she had muttered it.

As all this was happening, no one noticed that Professor McGonagall walked in. She was horrified at the sight that lay before her.

"SNAPE!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE?" Professor McGonagall yelled quite loudly across the room. "You're meant to be the teacher, but all I can see is you huddled in the corner, caressing your hair with Miss Lovegood." She then scanned around the room with her sharp eyes, nostrils flaring. "How the hell did you even get in here in the first place, and Ginny how dare you say bbq!"

Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Like you can talk," Snape said between whimpers, "In the Deathly Hallows _you_ were allowed to go into the Ravenclaws common room, who says I cant come in here?!"

"Well it's different; we all know that you're a retard." Stated (quite correctly) McGonagall.

"That has nothing to do with me being a retard, that's a whole other subject that we won't go into right now." Said Snape and a huge glob of slime dripped down the side of his head.

Within a blink of an eye, Snape and McGonagall started throwing verbal insults at each other, while Harry and Ron were still throwing actual objects at each other. Hermione on the other hand had Neville in a head lock and was giving him a rather nasty noogie. Ginny and Luna had gone back to attacking each other quite violently.

As this was terribly(but very humorously) unfolding, someone quite unexpected suddenly rolled down the stairs, in nothing but a giant red bow which was tied around his lower region with a card attached saying "Unwrap me!"

"Hullo!" chimed a very enthusiastic Hermione, a little blood dripping from her nose.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared, opened mouthed, (all thinking very similar things as Hermione.)

"Draco!" Snape suddenly snapped, "What are you doing here? And why did you just roll out of the boys dormitories, in _that_?" Snape said pointing at the bow.

"I…don't know", said Draco, confused, and then noticed what he was wearing, "Ugh…what (or who) did I _do_ last night?? Oh no, not Crabbe again…"

As Malfoy pondered this, everyone heard a pattering of tiny feet come down the stairs behind Malfoy.

Dobby appeared, carrying wrapping paper. As he walked by Malfoy, he gave him a wink (and something else in the forbiddens) and then proceeded to the exit.

He stood there for a moment looking horrified. "I THOUGHT THAT WAS A DREAM, a very bad dream!" Draco shuddered.

Just then, Hedwig flew in through the window, as owls do, and proceeded to do what the piece of parchment attached to Draco's bow said. (Meanwhile, up in the headmasters office, Dumbledore sat up with his "naked boy" sense tingling and said to himself, "hmmm, I feel a presence I have not felt since Harry went into the prefect bathroom in his forth year.")

Literally two seconds later Dumbledore was in the Gryffindor common room. Everyone was quite unaware of the head masters appearance.

By now all ruckus had broken loose and many, such as Neville, were being crushed to death, singed, choked, (molested), stroked, stabbed, abused, poked, plus many more verbs which are too outrageous to mention.

Then out of now where, just as the roof started to cave in, Lupin ran in brandishing his wand and yelled ridiculous. As he did, the whole commotion in the room went poof, and in the corner of the room Lupin could see a black bundle, quivering.

Lupin went closer and saw Sirius huddled in a ball crying. "Th…tha.... thank you." Sirius whimpered, as Lupin helped him up. "I thought I was going to be killed."

"No worries, I know a Bogart when I see one, and I knew your fear was being crushed to death in a room full of people arguing. Are you ok?"

Sirius was still rocking back and forward in a traumatized by the Bogart. "Moony, oh moony, it was horrible." He whispered and then collapsed again into tears on the floor.

"There there. Let's go to the Three Broomsticks and get smashed."

Sirius sniffled, "ok" and wiped his nose.

The two left the common room. As the exited the porthole, James and Peter descended the boy's dormitory stairs, carrying a chess board.


End file.
